By Caleb Roose
It’s hard to raise emotionally healthy kids if we’re not emotionally healthy ourselves.
I remember when my oldest child entered the toddler years. Suddenly, her big emotions—the tantrums, the screaming, the refusal to listen—sent my blood pressure skyrocketing. I soon realized I didn't have the emotional health and skills I needed to be the kind of calm, guiding presence she required during those intense moments.
Perhaps you can relate.
Many of us, especially as men, have been conditioned from a young age to disregard our emotions. We learned that it was better to “stuff our feelings” than express them. While this coping mechanism may have helped us get by, it can prevent us from being the emotionally healthy and intelligent dads our kids need.
The good news is, we can develop the self-awareness, self-control, social skills, and relationship abilities that make up emotional intelligence.
The four key components of emotional intelligence:
Self-awareness: Our ability to recognize the emotions we’re experiencing and how we feel about them.
Self-management: Our ability to thoughtfully respond, rather than react, to situations.
Social awareness: Our ability to recognize and understand what others are feeling.
Relationship management: Our ability to influence others and manage conflicts. [1]
Here are three ways to get started on improving your emotional health and intelligence
1) Process your past
As kids, we each learned instinctively which emotions were safe to express in our families and which ones weren't. For me, I could express many emotions, but anger in particular felt off-limits. Interestingly, I've noticed that when my own kids get angry, there's a subconscious voice in my head that tells me, "Shut it down. This isn't safe!"
Through reflection and reading, I've come to recognize that anger is just another emotion like the rest. I'm now getting better at guiding my kids through their anger, rather than trying to clamp it down.
Take a moment to reflect on your own childhood:
Which emotions were off-limits in your family?
How is that impacting your interactions with your kids today?
Unpacking these learned patterns is an important first step.
2) Evaluate your current emotional intelligence
Parenting is an emotional experience. It brings up issues from our own childhood, and it tests our relational skills and health in the present.
To handle the stressful moments of parenting well, we need all four components of emotional intelligence, and it’s important to have an idea of where we stand in relation to all four.
To help you get started:
Think back to a time you mishandled an interaction with your child. Which emotional intelligence components were missing in the interaction—self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, or relationship management skills?
Now, think of a time when you felt good about how you handled a parenting challenge. What emotional intelligence components were you exercising?
Understanding our emotional intelligence strengths and weaknesses can help us identify opportunities for growth to be the dads our kids need.
3) Work toward your desired future for you and your kids
The good news is, we can each grow and improve our emotional health and intelligence. But like any other area of personal growth, it takes work and dedication. It also helps to have a clear picture of the future you want to work toward.
Take a moment and visualize:
What kind of relationships do you want your kids to have when they become adults someday?
What kind of relationship do you want to have with your adult children?
Whatever you pictured in response to these questions, it’s possible—but the work starts now.
The work is worth it
The reality is, it's hard to raise emotionally healthy kids if we're not emotionally healthy ourselves. But the work is worth it. By developing our own emotional intelligence, we can become the calm, guiding presences our children need—and build the close, rewarding relationships we were made for.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to have close, fulfilling relationships with my kids. And I know you are, too. If you could use reliable support on your journey to becoming your best self, reach out for a free discovery coaching call to learn how coaching can empower you to be the dad you’ve always wanted to be.
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