By Caleb Roose
Moving away from the extremes of parenting
When I first became a dad, I thought I had two options to pick from:
I could either be a Pushover Dad or a Dictator Dad.
I was either going to empathize with my kid (and therefore give in to whatever she wanted) or lay down the law (no matter how she felt about it).
But being caught in the either-or between empathy and guidance is a no-win situation. What kids (and parents) need is both.
Understanding the need for empathy and guidance
Kids need guidance on how to navigate life, but they also need to know we care about and understand what they’re going through.
For all you math dads out there, here's what the equation looks like:
Empathy + Guidance = Great Parent-Child Relationships
Before we dive into why this is the case, let’s lay out some basics:
Empathizing is understanding and sharing the feelings of another person. As men, many of us have grown up a bit handicapped when it comes to understanding other people’s feelings, let alone our own. Yet if we’re going to have deep, meaningful relationships, learning to empathize with our kids is key.
Guidance is offering our wisdom and setting healthy limits for our kids. It involves not only making rules, but helping our kids understand why they exist. While saying, “Because I said so!” may “work” when your kids are young, it doesn’t teach them anything other than that they have to listen to you because you’re an authority; it does very little to teach them how to make wise choices for themselves.
The magic happens when you put empathy and guidance together.
When our kids know we understand and care about how they feel, they’re much more likely to trust the guidance we offer.
What the different parenting styles look like in action
To illustrate this, let’s say you see a dad at the park telling his kid he can’t have another cookie, and his son starts crying.
If the dad only knows how to empathize, he might say:
“Well, okay, you can have another.”
—the Pushover Dad
If the dad only knows how to guide, he might reply:
“Stop crying. You’ve already had one.
If you don’t stop crying, you won’t have any cookies tomorrow either.”
—the Dictator Dad
The Pushover Dad empathizes without guiding (leading to a kid who gets whatever she wants if she’s upset), while the Dictator Dad guides without empathizing (leading to a kid who can't express or process his own emotions).
So what does it sound like when the dad knows how to empathize and guide?:
“It seems like you’re feeling really sad that you can’t have another cookie. Is that right?”
(“Uh huh.”)
“I understand. It can be really hard when we can’t have something we want.”
—the Engaged Dad
That feels different, right? The son still can’t have another cookie, but somehow they’re becoming even closer because the dad understands how his son feels. Once his son has calmed down and is able to listen more, the dad may even be able to explain the reason why he couldn’t have another.
This simple illustration offers a glimpse into what it looks like to be an Engaged Dad: offering both empathy and guidance. Engaging well makes our kids feel known and loved, and they learn to understand their emotions and make good choices in the process (which will serve them for the rest of their lives!)
While the cookie example is intentionally a simple one, it's important to keep in mind:
As your kids age, your guidance needs to adapt to their growing ability to make decisions for themselves.
If you have more than one kid, you’ll likely find that guidance isn’t one-size-fits-all. Each kid may need something a little different from you.
Yet, despite these nuances, empathy plus guidance are the tools needed to make the requisite adjustments along the way.
Quick recap of these 3 (well 4) ways of being Dad
Engaged Dad = Empathy + Guidance
Pushover Dad = Empathy – Guidance
Dictator Dad = Guidance – Empathy
Disengaged Dad = (-)Empathy – Guidance
Discover your current parenting style
Now that you understand the basic differences between these 3 ways of being Dad, what’s your default style of parenting?
Engaged, Pushover, or Dictator?
Take the free "What Kind of Dad are You?" quiz to find out.
When you understand your starting place, it's easier to become the dad you want to be.
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