By Caleb Roose
For some couples, deciding whether or not to have more kids can be a difficult decision.
[Deciding how many kids to have is also a privilege. For some dads, life circumstances dictate whether or not they’re done having kids—rather than choice.]
My wife and I knew we wanted somewhere between two and four, but when it came to deciding the exact number, it wasn’t so easy.
We were then faced with the question: How do we decide?
Recently, I asked over 160 dads how they and their significant others decided they were done having kids. Here were the most common answers:
Number: The ideal family size
We feel like we have the right number of kids.
For some couples, the decision is a fairly easy one. Whether it’s because they have at least one boy and one girl, or because they have always pictured having a certain number of kids and have achieved that, both Dad and Mom feel like they are done bringing additional kids into the world.
Age: Having enough energy for the baby stage
I’m too old and tired to start the baby stage over again.
Dads who give this answer tend to be in their late thirties or forties and often feel like they simply can’t opt for more sleepless nights.
Health: Risks and concerns
Another pregnancy feels too risky.
In this case, dads want to protect the health of their partner or avoid another loss due to a miscarriage or birth complication. Either the mom’s or hypothetical future baby’s health feels like it’d be in jeopardy based on the couple’s difficult experiences in the past.
Finances: Practical limitations
My wallet (and car) are maxed out.
For some dads, finances are the primary reason to settle on the number of kids they have. Whether because of inflation, limited potential for increased income, or because they aren’t prepared to purchase a 15-passenger van, the practicalities of life play a significant role in their family planning.
Capacity: Personal limits
I can’t handle parenting more kids than we already have.
Some dads find that parenting is challenging enough as it is. Adding another kid into the mix is simply beyond their personal capacity. Others feel like their parenting style works well for the current number of kids they have, but they’d have to adjust their whole approach if they added more.
Future: The life we want
We’re looking forward to the next chapter of life.
Finally, some couples are excited for the next stage of life, whether that involves more travel, less diaper changing, or having adult children, the future seems brightest with their current family size.
[Honorable mention: A few dads also mentioned that their attempts to get a baby of the other gender hasn’t worked out—and they aren’t prepared to keep trying.]
When you look at the list above, what factors feel most relevant to you as you assess whether or not to have more kids?
For me, I look at this list and see all six factors playing into my overall sense that our family is complete. While some reasons may weigh heavier than others, they each play a role in some shape or form.
Timing Your Decision
I felt a sense of completion for our family as soon as we had our third child. Yet for my wife, she needed more time to decide and didn't feel done until he turned two.
While it was difficult being in different phases of the decision making process for well over a year, it was important that we eventually arrive at a decision together.
Deciding whether to have more children is deeply personal and unique to each family. If you and your partner are still trying to sort out your answer to the question, “Are you going to have more kids?,” consider discussing the following prompts —taking turns asking and answering each question so both of your perspectives are fully heard.
Prompts for discussing family size with your spouse/partner
On a scale of 1-5, how much do you want another child (with 5 being “Very much” and 1 being “Not at all”)?
What factors weigh in most heavily for you (cf. the 6 factors listed above)?
How do you feel about having more kids (e.g., excited, nervous, terrified)?
How do you feel about not having more kids (e.g., excited, uncertain, regretful)?
If we say “yes” to having more kids, what new opportunities does this create for our family? What new challenges?
If we say “no” to having more kids, what new opportunities does this create for our family? What challenges?
When you picture our lives 7 years from now, how many kids do we have?
Finding unity in your decision
After discussing the questions above, you and your significant other may have a better sense of whether or not you want more kids. And if you’re on the same page, congrats!
However, if you find yourself not seeing eye to eye, consider giving yourselves more time to process and revisit these questions on an agreed upon date in the future.
Finally, if you’re still not sure, sign up for a coaching call! I’d be happy to support you and your partner as you work toward unity on this life-changing decision.
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