By Caleb Roose
The conflict: Career vs fatherhood
When I first became a dad, two questions hit me almost instantly:
which was quickly followed by,
“How can I make enough money to support a family?”
These questions then led to an internal conflict:
Should I spend more time on my career to provide for my family
(but have less margin to be present with my kid)?
-or-
Should I focus on being a present dad
(but potentially miss opportunities to advance my career and increase our income)?
I felt this tension before my first child was born, after she was born, and it increased each time we added another kid to the mix. With each addition to the family, there was a greater need to be present to care for my kids, and—simultaneously—our expenses increased.
And while this transition was (and is) about how to divide my time and energy between caring for my kids and providing financially, it’s about more than just family and finances.
I want to do well at work so I can provide for my family, but work is about more than a paycheck. It’s about what I contribute to the world, and it can play a part in my identity too.
Chances are, you've felt this as well.
In a study conducted by Boston College’s Center for Work and Family, it was found that dads today are much more likely than previous generations of fathers to feel conflicted between their work and family roles. We’re not content to be on the sidelines of our kids’ lives (go us!), but we haven’t relinquished our career aspirations either.
In many cases, we’re tempted to try and be both the “ideal worker and ideal parent.”[1] We want to be both “the man” at work and “super dad” at home.
The shift: From perfection to growth
And while it’s important to make a positive difference both in work and family life, neither the “ideal worker” nor the “ideal parent” are realistic goals. Both offer visions of perfection that only leave us feeling defeated in one area or the other—and often both.
So rather than focusing on being the perfect worker or the perfect dad, what might it look like to focus on learning and growing in both arenas instead?
When I made this shift from perfection to personal growth, I found that I actually excelled more at work and in family life.
How did this happen?
I stopped striving for perfection and started focusing more on showing up with my full self.
I stopped measuring myself against my coworkers and started focusing more on the contributions I could make to the team.
I stopped feeling ashamed when I got frustrated with my kids and focused more on what I could do to repair the relationship (and keep my cool the next time).
For me, the results have spoken for themselves. Instead of striving to be the “ideal worker and ideal dad,” I’m committed to being both a “good enough worker and good enough dad.”
If you want to join me and make this shift from striving for unattainable ideals to living in greater alignment with your values, it takes just 3 steps: reflection, intention, and action. We have to reconsider our values and priorities, make a plan of how we’re going to live into them, and then take action to make them a reality.
3 steps to greater balance: Reflection, intention, and action
Step 1: Reflect
To help you get started, here is a list of journaling and reflection prompts that can begin moving you toward more synergy and less tension in your work, financial, and family life:
(Note: Most won't actually take the time to journal and reflect, but if you're serious about finding better work-life balance, don't skip this important step)
Journaling/Reflection Prompts
Work-life Prompts:
When have you felt the most satisfaction in your work? What specifically contributed to this satisfaction?
In what ways does your current work support your ability to be a present and involved dad?
In what ways does your current work hinder your ability to be a present and involved dad?
What does it look like for you to be “good enough” to succeed at work?
How much time and energy do you need to succeed at work, in this season?
In what ways might you take more initiative to learn and grow as a leader in your profession?
Financial-life Prompts:
When have you felt the most satisfaction in your finances? What specifically contributed to this satisfaction?
In what ways does your financial life enable you to provide for your family?
In what ways does your financial life make it difficult to provide for your family?
What does it look like for you to be “good enough” in your finances?
How much money is “enough” to provide for your family, in this season?
In what ways can you take more initiative to learn and grow in caring for your finances?
Family-life Prompts:
When have you felt the most satisfaction in your family life? What specifically contributed to this satisfaction?
In what ways does your family life enable you to be “good enough” at work?
In what ways does your family life make it difficult to be “good enough” at work?
What does it look like for you to be “good enough” in your family life?
How much time and energy do you need to care well for your family, in this season?
In what ways can you take more initiative to learn and grow in your role as Dad?
Perfection in this life—whether it be in work, finances, or family—simply doesn’t exist. So it’s more productive and promising to focus on what it means to be good enough. Then we can learn truths like:
The quality of your time with your kids can outweigh the quantity.
The more you live into your values, the more you’ll be seen as a leader in the workplace.
The more you learn and lead, the more money you’ll likely make over time.
And, last but not least: Good enough is pretty great.
Steps 2–3: Intention & Action
If you need support moving from reflection to intention and action, reach out for a free coaching call. I look forward to supporting you on your journey to a more balanced life.
[1] “The New Dad: The Career-Caregiving Conflict,” Center for Work and Family, Boston College.
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