By Caleb Roose
It’s well-known that babies, toddlers, and young kids don’t remember much from their early days of life—so much so that comedian Nate Bargatze has a bit about how people basically want him to tell his kids, “You can’t have fun until you start remembering things!”
Nate goes on to say that he wants to have fun with his kids, even if they won’t remember it. And he has a point.
What our kids remember may not be the most important thing about them. Afterall, it’s in the first 5 years of life—the stage they’re least likely to have memories of—that our kids' brains and ways of relating are shaped the most, impacting the rest of their lives.
So what’s more important than what our kids remember?
It’s the relationship we build with them.
Don’t get me wrong. Making memories with our kids is important. It’s just not the most important. Plus, memories fade.
What can last forever is the connection we build with our kids (my dad passed away 10 years ago, and I still feel that connection today).
So how might you continue to grow that connection with your kids?
Here are 3 strategies to build relationships with your kids that last:
Listen
Share
Repair
1) Listen: The power of being heard
When was the last time someone listened to you—truly listened to you—with no agenda other than to empathize and understand? Chances are, unless you’re in therapy or coaching, it may be difficult to recall. That’s how rare this simple experience of being listened to is in our noisy, activity-focused world.
Here’s another question: When was the last time you truly listened to your child, with no agenda other than to empathize and understand?
This kind of listening can unfortunately be far and few between.
And while listening may not seem like a big deal, it is. It’s profound.
Author David W. Augsburger says this about listening and being heard:
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person,
they are almost indistinguishable.”
If you want your child to know that they’re loved—listen to them.
Hear their stories.
Empathize with their pains.
No “fixing of the situation” allowed (that can wait ‘til later—if it’s even called for).
Yet such listening is often easier said than done.
We need self-control to listen without thinking about what we’re going to say next or picking up our smartphones.
We need patience because our kids may not be ready to share the first time we offer to truly listen.
And we may need to prove ourselves if our kids haven’t experienced this kind of listening from us in the past.
And—it's possible that we need to build our active listening skills. If that's you, don’t worry.
Sign up for a free coaching call today to grow your ability to listen and empathize well—so your kid can feel both heard and even more loved.
2) Share: Creating connection
Sharing with your kids is crucial for your relationship with them. No, I’m not talking about “sharing is caring” (though sharing the remote with your kids could be a sign of love!). I’m talking about sharing experiences, stories, and encouragement.
Shared experiences are an amazing way to build deeper bonds and connections with your kids. And if it’s a repeated shared experience that has meaning for you and your family, all the better!
Kids love repetition, particularly when they know it means something.
Your annual camping trip isn’t just about camping. It’s about family and the importance of working, relaxing, and eating together.
Your 1-on-1 time isn’t just about doing something your kid likes. It’s a symbol that you value your 1-on-1 relationship with them and see them as unique.
Your holiday parties and traditions aren’t just parties. They represent values, stories, and beliefs you hold dear as a family.
Family rituals have the power to draw you closer together.
Sharing stories is another impactful way to connect with your kids.
For example, you might consider sharing stories about loved ones who have passed away. My kids never got a chance to meet my grandparents or my dad, but my kids talk about them like they know them because they know their stories.
They know my grandma used to take me on walks and we’d smell the roses.
They know I wrestle with them like my dad used to wrestle with me.
They know I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for them.
I wish my grandparents and dad got to meet my kids, but I’m grateful my kids can still get to know them through their stories. And by connecting my kids to those who have meant so much to me, we build our connection as well. My kids are part of a larger family than what they see.
In addition to sharing stories about loved ones to deepen your connection, you can relive shared experiences you've had with your kids by retelling them together. Each story you retell leaves a little imprint on your kid’s mind that says,
"That meant something. We’re connected.”
And when you retell stories of your kid’s day from their perspectives, you validate their experience, feelings, and views.
Lastly, sharing encouragement reinforces your love for your child. Regularly saying “I love you,” giving a hug, or commenting on how you notice them communicates that they’re both seen and loved.
Sharing experiences, stories, and encouragement are powerful ways to connect with your kids.
3) Repair: Rebuilding your relationship after mistakes
When it comes to relating to your kids, you don’t need to be perfect—just consistent. Keep listening, sharing, and—when you make a mistake or hurt your kid’s feelings—repair.
How do you repair?
Own what you did wrong.
Apologize.
Ask them how you can be there for them and make it right.
By repairing the relationship, they’ll not only learn what it looks like to reconnect after hurting someone they love, they’ll experience that your relationship with them is stronger than any mistakes either of you could ever make.
As you spend time with your family in the coming weeks, take a moment to consider how you can make room to:
Listen
Share
Repair
Let's build connections with our kids that last.
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